::random thought::

lets cliff jump even if we cant swim-lets bungee jump even if we cant fly-lets sing even if we cant-but most importantly,babe let me love u even if u dont love me back::risks & not being afraid is what gets me far every time..think about it every time u hesitate 2 do something cause life is 2 short

::random thought::

its crazy how the people you've just met are the ones who make you smile when you're having a really bad morning....and then those who are supposed to make you laugh, dont.  I didnt have a really good night when I got home..sooo alot of you guys knew who I was talking to for a bit..well thats officially over..from last night..and yea it hurt a bit but i'm just happy that it happened now than later..so this morning I woke up..siad my prayers and meditated and felt alot better than last night..and then I met Nashon this morning..i swear God blesses me everytime..pain is only temporary...man did this guy make me laugh and then he hit me with "i dont know where you came from but i dont want you to go back..you're a breathe of fresh air" and honestly thats all i needed to hear today...i know some people are not meant to be in your life for too long and some are but i hope this guy is meant to stay...just by the way he spoke to me all morning i could tell he'd be a good friend

::random thought::

i know you guys are extremely upset with me & im sorry alot has been going on as most of you may know..also thank you for every1 who made it out to Kush Lounge for my 21st bday celebration...xoxo..things to catch up on..my book has dropped in Europe 1st,my apologies to all my fans in the states..BUT i have gotten it to be pushed to 2weeks so yes you can order it online(amazon, borders, barnes & nobles) but you will be able to get it in stores in the next two weeks("Through Dreams Come Nightmares")...i also just came back from Dominican Republic..went on a mini vaca with my dad while also getting funded by an art organization to do a photo project over there...it was really great..soo also my art exhibition is in the works for June since I'll be hitting Europe in July for my art exhibition there and my book tour..hopefully i'll have my book signings in the states starting during the summer...stayed tuned alot will be posted today xoxo

Why Love Hurts

If I had the opportunity to ask God one question Id ask God: "Why does love hurt so much if its supposed to be good?"  I haven't cried the way I did today in a really long time.  I cried to the point i couldn't breathe.  I've lost a best friend, a lover...all in the matter of a few minutes and a few words.  This "love" thing never seems to work for me, shit even when its just me liking the guy...at this point and everything I've gone through I should really be giving up..but i feel as though i have so much to give to one person who's just willing to be patient and watch it all grow...I haven't cried like this in so long, I shouldn't have..but i did...and right now i think that I'm going to take a legitimate break from it all and just keep working in the one thing that wont let me down...my artwork..im not being bitter and I'm not giving up I just feel that my heart can't take anymore "letting downs" for right now..

::random thought::

i want to know so many things and cant....and it bothers me because i wonder whether or not one day i will.  i observe so much without seeing, listen without hearing and feel without touching---i trap myself in books way before my time to know what it was like back then in different countries and cast myself away in movies, mostly black and white, because i have a feeling life was better seen that way....i really wonder what it would be like if i knew everything in the world..now that i think about it though i think i want to make a list of what i'd like to know and research it, usually what i usually do..but i'll make a list of things i never researched...maybe you guys can help me out; lol maybee...night everyone

::random thought::

i love the idea of love, i love its imagery but sometimes i have to stop and wonder if its worth all of the pain that i go through when im on its path....i hate crying over people..i hate crying over someone i cant have, not knowing whether if that person is worth it or not...i think the most painful part is waiting on someones answer.  every single time i talk to him its like we end up right back to square one...and every time he tells me "i like you, im just not ready for a relationship" i cant help but think about what my friend Beatrice told me "when he says he doesnt want to get into a relationship, it simply means not with you because he'll compromise that if he really likes you"...so who do i believe?  sometimes i want to be done with it all and then there goes those moments when he makes me laugh and i cant stay mad at him=weakness, when he bites his lip because he knows i like it=more weakness...he's become a weakness that i want to hate so bad but i cant...these thoughts just made me loose breath...night everyone

::random thought::

i look at people and wonder why their always so angry and then try to fuck with me...so i just lock myself in my happy little bubble i dont care who you are crash and burn on your own time cause your not dragging me with you

::random thought::

merry christmas everyone :) i woke up a bit late -______- but no biggie..i'll probably be doing the same thing tonight..everyone enjoy their day

#2010 Memories

i wanted to end the year with my fav 24 memories of this year:

1. my sister getting accepted to Syracuse University, see you in the fall sis
2. tagging up the trailer park up at Cuse w/ Steph, Luis and Jesse smh; love my white friends
3. when me and my bff Andrew made red velvet cake, that night was great
4. going to cornell with Tricel, Tariq and Sai..the drive was too hilarious
5. getting my poetry book signed to a publishing company
6. dinner and drinks w/ Nneka that night was wayyy too funny
7. pulling that ultimate prank on Vincent on his birthday
8. having my uncle Jon here for xmas this year :)
9. when Elijah came to have tea with me...it was one of the best convo's i've had with someone
10. the start of our "crazy thursdays" w/ Sai, Brit, Shane, Steven, Tariq, Tricel, Darwin etc lmao
11. me & Jesse made it 2 the Canada border then realized we didnt have our passports lol priceless
12. realizing that Nina is a moron bc i told her you cant leave wine in the freezer-5bottles wasted lol
13. my mom fell down the same set of stairs 3x in the mater of 5 months smh LMFAOOO
14. my dads drama when we were in the hospital 4 his kidney stones smh worse than a bitch
15. getting the venue for my photo exhibition in the spring :)
16. when Sterling brought me that box to my job, had my co-workers jealous for weeks
17. when Enrique gave me Dune and my little box of chocolates :]
18. going to the rutgers vs st. peters game with my bff Andrew; the whole day was wonderful
19. meeting Ricci Steez, Christian Milo, Sam Williams and many more
20. the Lakers winning their 2nd title in a row bitchesss muahaha
21. this is it..i'll be 21 next year lol
22. lol that one spectacular night with Dorsey smh man oh man
23. me & Shane getting thrown up on at the j.cole concert smh idk how i didnt murder someone lol
24. finally i want to thank God for this year: my president is black, for the old and new friends in my life, for all of the good that i've been led to do and for all the accomplishments that you have allowed me to do.  thank you for my family and for my faith in You, myself and in love...



xoxo,
Butta Love

::random thought::

so i didnt do too much posting..well just 1 post yesteday -___- because i was out all day with my bff Andrew...now yesterday was just the best day that i've had in a while..no parties, no drinking, no meetings just a chill day. we went to the mall...ate..shopped :) well specifically in one store but i'll hush about that for now..then we went to a rutgers vs. st peters game which was bomb...taking me 2 a college bball game is def one way to win points from me anyday...then we went to go eat again lol and then..well the rest was the rest lol but it really was a great day/night...he always makes me laugh and smile...gotta love him..then he just came over to bring me my gift b4 he headed to bk :) he'll be back wednesday/thursday

::random thought::

late night thoughts: every time i see an eclipse i write about what i don't understand.  this year, as i gaze up through my kitchens sunroof wrapped up, drinking tea, i'm going to write about love. everyone thinks i understand love because i know how to keep a man happy but those are two different things, especially because not all men want the same thing. five years ago i could have definitely said that i haven't come across a guy worth while, but through the years leading up to my 20th has been a roller coaster ride.  i've come across a lot of potentials but half of them were potentials for someone else and the other half eventually faded away; maybe it was my fault.  now that i look back at all the relationships i've had i realize that i wasn't ready for them and i've grown up enough to admit it. i'm not sure if I ever loved them more than how friends love each other, probably never cared for them as much as i did my friends...and i can't explain why.  i don't feel anything for them now like i did a year back.  growing up and maturing isn't easy; sometimes it causes you to see things you never caught onto when you were younger and makes them concrete on whether their important or not in your life.  During this summer I came across two men who i've only known for a few months but made a complete difference in my life, Enrique and my Sterling, both men older than 28...dealing with older men and what they've been through helped me understand why i have yet to find someone worth it....i am so different from many other females; like many older people say i am wise beyond my years.  i am so young at heart but old in mind and most men don't know how to deal with that; i have no tolerance for immaturity and i have no patience to wait for a boy to grow into a man when i have already grown.  in my life there are three men that matter right now: one is too close of a friend to tamper so much with because i don't want us to go wrong but we can't seem to tear apart from each other no matter how hard we try; i care about him most because i find myself holding back on a lot just to respect our friendship.  the other one, is the one i have to chase after but sometimes i wonder what am i chasing...every girl probably likes him and he's one of those "treat all women good" type and he doesn't notice that i don't feel special to him at all, he kisses me because he likes me, so he says...but i cant help but think how many more does he like and kiss; i feel as if he's slipping and i don't have a choice but to let him if i mean nothing to him.  the third is the newest and he has so much to learn about me, how i'm not the easiest one to deal with, my mind is not the simplest yet my heart can be most complex--he has to realize sooner than later that sometimes i just want my space, i'm not the girl who likes to be hovered over


now with all the things that've been through with men you would think 'why isn't this woman, a woman scorned'?  i believe in love and everything that comes with it before you find it.  there are going to be a few bad apples that look great on the outside and rotten on the inside, there are going to be some are pure in and out yet are not meant for you and your just going to have to pick yourself back up and try again because thats what love is...it's like faith you never see it you feel it-


all in all im not ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW because i want to mentally prepare myself to give my all to the person i do end up with later..whether it be a week from now, 3 months or a year..i just need to be ready to care for someone again; i want to do it right this time; on that note: if love isn't crazy then my dear, it's not love


xoxoxo,
Butta Love

::random thought::

i wish that love was what it used to be...easy; like back in the 3rd grade easy when the guy that liked you passed a note in class that said do you like me: 1 box saying 'yes' and the other box saying 'no' or one that said 'will you go out with me'...that simple---where did all that go?
never want to grow up fast because it's things like this that you'll miss most--

xoxo,
Butta Love

::random thought::

i want to know the answers to our love
but the answers to my questions are denied
and hopefully you love me enough to tell me, why?

::random thought::

i woke up this morning thinking about how blessed i am to be alive today and no matter what happens im happy that i was able to smile today.  I pulled an all nighter with my friends Tricel and Shane last night...i took a nap and when i woke up the sun was shining on the surface of like 3 feet of snow and as i looked to my right Tricel was there up and smiling at me while doing his work while Shane was peacefully sleeping=FRIENDS=THE GOOD LIFE.  i just arrived at the airport so YES im on my way home, a week earlier than everyone at my school i might add.  my writing professor and good buddy A. Flowers took me out to lunch at this Indian restaurant who's food was DELICIOUS and we spoke about my old yet newly constructed piece, "Without Shoes and Lost Memories".  Now that I'm at the airport i cant find a place to sleep...48hours without rest and my eyes are burning=life of an artist BUT as soon as i get on this plane in the next 45min i am going to snore like no tomorrow LOL

::random thought::

I changed my font color again lol cause XMAS is coming...so my xmas list will be up soon...anywho

As you all may remember during the summer I came across a great guy called Enrique.  We wrote poetry together, he was like my muse who inspired me to write after I didn't write for a few months.  Sadly I haven't been able to write in a while since I felt like I lost him and my dear Sterling.  Like a lot of you have noticed I've just been sticking to my paintings, illustrations and photographs.  Last night I received an email from Enrique and my heart just stopped.  I wasn't sure if it was him until i read the message and even after the 3rd email as we went back and forth I still felt as if I was in a dream..i woke up in a panic checking my email this morning to see them still there...are my dreams playing into my reality?  I need to get more sleep. i'll check my email again in a few minutes

xoxo.

::random thought::

SOOOO..i slept over my boys Fausto and Manny's house last night since we were a bit wild last night while every1 else either stayed in or was partying at a whack party -_- ANYWAY THO...back 2 basics, this morning Fausto was about to kick me out but not before i was going to push him off the bed with his "the only playing in this house today is Wiz, JCole(bc their having at concert at my school 2day) and Hov's bc its his birthday...that woke up right away.. "i dont want to hear Hov..play some Nas"
now most of you know i like the old Jay Z but ive always been the biggest Nas fan(to each his own)...then this dude gets al disrespectful and starts blasting Hov lol and i just turned on the tv and blasted the Uconn vs Utah that played this morning cause im just that disrespectful..but yes...just had to share it with yall once again that im a Nas fan all the way

::random thought::

ok guys sooo im so thankful to God because i thought my laptop had crashed but it didnt...just had a huge file on it that shouldnt have been there, so im back on my blog :) had a fun day with the fam...just finished watching the Harry Potter movie which was great..always upset bc i have to wait for the next one, but in thi case (the final one)...NOW to business my sister put me on to Lil Kim's diss to Nicki Minaj..i know some of yu might hate me for this but i have always been a Kim fan..and when Nicki came in trust i wasnt hyped, actually i was always saying how the chick should walk on eggshells and Drake needs to mind his business..theres nothing like a legend having to ruin you and bury you in the dirt and Nicki's been pushing the wrong buttons...now watch every1 that's had her on their songs back the hell down to the real Queen..let's go Kim..putting up the link in a bit.

Valuable Lesson of the Day

sooo my day was terrific until 9pm hit...i learned something really valuable today..love can be so violent sometimes.  It will literally tear, stab, stomp, slap and bury your heart all at the same time.  shit sometimes is pushed way too damn far...i dont know whether to cry or just suck it up like i always do and just keep it moving because thats what i do best...i think im a bit drained out for anymore tears on men who dnt understand me anyway.  even though i know i did wrong, admitted to it and try to fix it sometimes people cant get over things that arent even relevant to fixing the mess thats spilled....sooo on that note im going to just keep moving on with my artwork bc thats the only thing that wont fuck me over at the end of the day.

::random thought::

so im going home in a few hours...i dont know why i'm not sleeping yet..ok I'm not sleeping because 1. i havent packed yet -_- everything is on my bed though...BUT idk how all of this stuff is going to fit FML...like my mom always says "make it fit" LOL...ohh let me keep going 2. i have to clean up the kitchen, i just cooked steak and pasta :) YES at 1am IDC im a fatass!!!! 3. i told myself i was going to wash my hair even though i washed it 2 days ago but Kadeem stole my damn umbrella soooooo ive been getting soaked on for the past 2 days..YUCK rain hair lol...anyway tho (ricci steez voice--even though im upset at him) im stil waiting for Julien to call me...that was 4 and 5 i have to finish my glass of wine -_- OH SHIT...theres 6...didnt even remember til nw i have to write an artist statement for my 9am class FML FML FML!!!! smh

::random thought::

Im going home on Thursday :) Yes this Thursday and I kow alot of my friends are mad because they dont get to go home 'til like Wednesday for Thanksgiving beak...so while hey only have 4 days of break I have 12days :) haha..sorry I just had to put it out there...pretty happy...because then HERE WE GO XMAS BEAK..thats one whole month..sorry too much sugar in my tea -_- til later you guys