Tuesday, December 21, 2010

::random thought::

late night thoughts: every time i see an eclipse i write about what i don't understand.  this year, as i gaze up through my kitchens sunroof wrapped up, drinking tea, i'm going to write about love. everyone thinks i understand love because i know how to keep a man happy but those are two different things, especially because not all men want the same thing. five years ago i could have definitely said that i haven't come across a guy worth while, but through the years leading up to my 20th has been a roller coaster ride.  i've come across a lot of potentials but half of them were potentials for someone else and the other half eventually faded away; maybe it was my fault.  now that i look back at all the relationships i've had i realize that i wasn't ready for them and i've grown up enough to admit it. i'm not sure if I ever loved them more than how friends love each other, probably never cared for them as much as i did my friends...and i can't explain why.  i don't feel anything for them now like i did a year back.  growing up and maturing isn't easy; sometimes it causes you to see things you never caught onto when you were younger and makes them concrete on whether their important or not in your life.  During this summer I came across two men who i've only known for a few months but made a complete difference in my life, Enrique and my Sterling, both men older than 28...dealing with older men and what they've been through helped me understand why i have yet to find someone worth it....i am so different from many other females; like many older people say i am wise beyond my years.  i am so young at heart but old in mind and most men don't know how to deal with that; i have no tolerance for immaturity and i have no patience to wait for a boy to grow into a man when i have already grown.  in my life there are three men that matter right now: one is too close of a friend to tamper so much with because i don't want us to go wrong but we can't seem to tear apart from each other no matter how hard we try; i care about him most because i find myself holding back on a lot just to respect our friendship.  the other one, is the one i have to chase after but sometimes i wonder what am i chasing...every girl probably likes him and he's one of those "treat all women good" type and he doesn't notice that i don't feel special to him at all, he kisses me because he likes me, so he says...but i cant help but think how many more does he like and kiss; i feel as if he's slipping and i don't have a choice but to let him if i mean nothing to him.  the third is the newest and he has so much to learn about me, how i'm not the easiest one to deal with, my mind is not the simplest yet my heart can be most complex--he has to realize sooner than later that sometimes i just want my space, i'm not the girl who likes to be hovered over

now with all the things that've been through with men you would think 'why isn't this woman, a woman scorned'?  i believe in love and everything that comes with it before you find it.  there are going to be a few bad apples that look great on the outside and rotten on the inside, there are going to be some are pure in and out yet are not meant for you and your just going to have to pick yourself back up and try again because thats what love is...it's like faith you never see it you feel it-

all in all im not ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW because i want to mentally prepare myself to give my all to the person i do end up with later..whether it be a week from now, 3 months or a year..i just need to be ready to care for someone again; i want to do it right this time; on that note: if love isn't crazy then my dear, it's not love

Butta Love